What the fuck do I want?

I am in the mood to write. Most days, this motivation doesn’t come during the day, or at least not right now. Sometimes I am in the gym or going to sleep, Its never consistent and its always in the least convenient times.

I hate my life.

Not in a “poor me” or “my wife pisses me off” kind of way. Just the situation I am in. I put so much pressure on myself, but I don’t do anything about it. I was joking around with friends yesterday (which was my birthday) and I said out loud, jokingly, “I am a 34-year-old man, no job, smoking weed”.

Do you know how sad that sounds?!

I don’t want this life.

Now I am doing things about it. I am in school, I am an 11-year veteran, and I have this outlet that I want to become something — or at least create a way into the life I want.

What’s annoying is: what the fuck do I want?

One day it’s this, and the next it’s that. Ultimately, its ADHD… I just know I want to be creative. I wasn’t born to be a desk jockey. I think over the last 11 years I have proved that I can be that, if necessary, but damn do I not want that to be my life.  

I grew up stating that I refuse to do a job I don’t love, and I will always stand by that. It’s the one point I will live to prove. I don’t need to be rich in money, but I do in life. I want to live a life I am proud of. One that showed you can do it too.

and I am not.

I have that issue where I see where others are in life and think, “why not me?” And I know I shouldn’t do that, but damn. It’s hard not to compare sometimes. Especially when I know I can do great things.

I’m not saying be a president or a CEO. Just great things in the realm of something I love.

I want to be on a podcast, help make a game, write a book, and get a photo published.

I want to be creative.